So my friend from wyoming kept calling me today during work. And I was thinking why would she keep calling me if it wasn't an emergency. And then she texted me telling her to call her ASAP and so i did and I havent spoken to her in a longlonglong time so it was a bit strange and confusing. So she says "alright this will be fast, when did your dad die" and i told her april 29th 2008. and she said that last night she had a dream about my dad and me when i was a kid that we were standing outside a house having a "father daughter moment" like hugging and stuff. and she said that when she woke up from the dream she felt this overwhelming need to tell me that my dad truley loved me. and I was like awww ok thank you! not thinking too much of it, but then I got home and noticed a post my aunt kris had made about my dad and it hit me, dad didn't actually pass away on the 29th, he passed away last night 4 years ago. It's really something if you ask me. Honestly it makes me feel peaceful <3 It's also quite coincindental because just a few nights ago I was looking up the meanings of different things in dreams, I guess dreams have a way of telling us things.

 I went to Brad's apartment building at first light this morning. Left flowers on the stoop again and prayed for him and his soul. Stared at the last place I saw my son, the last place I touched him. Tears pouring. I still don't quite believe it and I dread the time I do. This is so unbearable how much worse to really believe and accept it. I miss him. I hurt for the family and friends who miss him, enjoyed him, need him. Thank you Chad for the note it helps, it's good to know his friends still have him with them. I believe and hope that on some level in some way Brad's friends will always keep him with them. 

I painted Brad's room here at my house, it was so hard to change what he saw, what he looked at. I started a wall of pictures over his computer desk. Please friends send snapshots so he can have more of his friends pictures there. Of course he is in the picture with you I will be really glad too! 

Goodnight Brad. I'll never let you out of my heart. Thank you for being you. Boy I miss your sense of humor. 

 I don't even know what to say. I need to say something and all my words are buried under all the nonsense going on right now. I need time to myself this week with a clear head and I don't think I am getting it. But I hope you know that although there is a severe lack of words, there is no lack of missing you or thinking about you. Miss you little brother. Not less every year but more. 

Brad,

I've always been interested in bicycling, and I'll leave the poetic waxing about why for another day.  As you're watching you'll know by interest and the luck of location and garage space, I've absorbed so much of your bicycle accessories.

I've used so many of those things over the last 4 years.  The bike stand, the trainer, a couple of tubes, and, now most recently, a spare set of pedals when one of mine went bad.   -Kept me riding until I could get the bad ones (warranty) replaced.

I wish you were here to teach me a few things, Like how to adjust a derailler, but I know you're laughing your ass off watch me muddle through.  And at the safety gear i insist on wearing.

But, your  stuff and obvious love of the ride has pushed me to a new level and I thank you for that! 

Was watching the movie Tron a day or so ago. Seeing the old stand up video games was crazy. You know Brad, it was crazy, I remember a time we had maybe 2 dollars between us and we walked all the way to Yorktown Mall because there was a video game arcade there that had a new wrestling game. Bet we spent 2 hours walking there only to play that game for maybe 15 minutes. LOL, was a blast. One of many fond memories.

Was thinking back on Tron, the old one. How blocky the graphics were. And recalled the chunky graphics from the Commadore 64s and Atari 2600s we use to play. Almost religiously. Trying to collect Activision patches. And Worm War 1 marathons til the sun came up.

Cheers my friend.

Ed

Ok now you have Petey and Roxy and Payton. That should keep you busy.

Hey brother. I really do miss you. Lots of stuff is going on and I want to talk to you. I really need to talk to you. Heather is having brain surgery soon. Maybe you can try and watch over things a bit? I miss knowing you are here to call when I am in trouble. I miss the security. I miss you. I need your help Brad. Keep an eye on Heather though, thanks.

Happy Birthday Brad

A huge part of this pain is knowing that you are not living your life.

The rest is that we miss you so deeply and have to do without you. I am so sorry. Happy Birthday Son.

I love you and I like you.

Mom

Hey, you know I'm your sister and I am gonna give you shit- So Happy 40th birthday you old fart.

I miss you with everything inside of me.

Tomorrow is Brad's Birthday. The change in numbers hits me hard. That different digit in front makes it seem like a big leap away from him, though I know it's not, really. I don't think he would like this new numbr!

For the past few weeks with now "triggers" coming up, it has seemed very fresh. Tears pouring, doubled over pain with no warning or reason I could find. I wondered if anyone else was feeling this.

Miss you so much Brad.

Of course I am his mother so I can picture him safe inside of me because he wasn't born yet.

Mom