Happy Birthday Brad

A huge part of this pain is knowing that you are not living your life.

The rest is that we miss you so deeply and have to do without you. I am so sorry. Happy Birthday Son.

I love you and I like you.

Mom

Tomorrow is Brad's Birthday. The change in numbers hits me hard. That different digit in front makes it seem like a big leap away from him, though I know it's not, really. I don't think he would like this new numbr!

For the past few weeks with now "triggers" coming up, it has seemed very fresh. Tears pouring, doubled over pain with no warning or reason I could find. I wondered if anyone else was feeling this.

Miss you so much Brad.

Of course I am his mother so I can picture him safe inside of me because he wasn't born yet.

Mom

Dragons live forever, but not so little boys-

I went today to Brad's apartment and left red and white flowers. The red and white symbolize the purity, life, vitality and love he had.

Today- is the last day I saw my Brad.

It seems like only two months. The pain is as bad as it always is, and yet as this time approaches, I could tell that my heart hurt - more?

How could it hurt more. And yet there is a difference. My stomach is tight and I feel worse and worse. I'm crying even more. I'm yelling even more - NO!  WE MISS YOU!  WE NEED YOU!

DON'T!  I'm half afraid to scream "Come Back", in case he has reached some Peace, but, sometimes it slips out.

All week- worrying, of knowing, of calling and calling, of knocking on his door and trying to talk to him through it - and open it- It's going to be another agonizing week. We need you Brad. Please - But I'm not sure please what. Don't let this be true, I guess.

I sure miss the game. I miss playing with you and Emily. You taught me how to play Kill The Duck and we played in restaurants all the time, and I really looked forward to it. Did anybody else play this game with Brad?

Mom

Marianne and I went to Brad's apartment. I talked to him, said a prayer and we left flowers (white) on the stoop where he used to sit and play his guitar. The day we moved his things, a neighbor came down and told us how much he enjoyed that and what a nice guy Brad was. I’ve been playing the cd Brad had in his player, I don’t know the name of the band, it’s in very stylized writing. The name of the cd is “Break The Cycle”.  A line from one song is “I didn’t mean to slip away”.

I am so sorry Brad. You lost the most, and I hurt so hugely bad for your loss, but oh we lost so much too and MISS YOU.

I love you a bushel and a peck.

A bushel and a peck, and a hug around the neck.

Love, Mom

We would love to hear from you, especially now. So please.....

Brad had asked me for a lamp I had and I gave it to him. He bought an energy efficient bulb for it (that's our Brad). It was on that night, and burned all week near him. I am turning that on today, and it wil stay lit all week for Brad and his light.