Is it coincidence that I keep seeing this picture even though it is supposed to be random images?  http://bradcassidy.com/node/392

I know he is passed out drunk in the photo, but it still breaks my heart.  I had some rough times recently, and I am starting to feel the anniversary coming up, even though I poo-poohed it earlier.  It is strange because I have no dread over the day coming up, but I am very tense and sensitive regardless. 

I find that when I accidentally notice his picture at my desk, I have a moment of panic every time... I think to myself, "shit, I have to do something before it is too late."  I feel the punch in the gut or the stab at that moment.  Then I realize right away that there is nothing to be done.  That is when the life drains out and I feel like an empty shell for awhile, like I have to deal with something out of my control, but I am not sure I want to.  I am really good at not wasting energy on things out of my control, but this...

I'm stuck.  I've read The Catcher in the Rye three times since I got it from Brad's collection.  I've read The Crisis of Islam.  I've read nearly all of The Invisibles.  I understand not being able to write about the last two... they were so full of historical and geographical information that my head spins trying to recall any details.  The Catcher in the Rye, though... I guess I want to analyze this book too much.  I am amazed by this book and Holden's character.  I just noticed the book was dedicated to Salinger's mother.  I wonder if it was his way of helping her understand the way he was and the things he did and went through.  Was Holden him?  Yet another thing I'd like to analyze about the book.  But, the reason I'm writing now, even though I can't get myself to do a proper review of the book, is because of two things that stood out in the book.  I just can't NOT write about them any longer.  I won't say as much as I could about them here, but I just want them OUT.  I want to share them, because they were important and everyone should know them NOW.

I've moved my desk at work a few times in the last few months, and didn't know when I would move again... they were supposed to be fairly short-term moves.  I just took what I needed to work with, and Brad's picture did not go with.  I just put it up again today.  There is a guy that sits by me, and I was sort of disgusted to watch him throw his scratch paper in the regular garbage.  I was really disgusted to see him do this on a regular basis.  What bothers me more than anything is that this is an engineer with five kids...

we have all wished we could go back in time, but with what we know now, of course.  let me please go back in time with only one thing from this day.  only one thought.  one thing that i would not know why it keeps flashing in my brain all the time.  i'll forsake getting rich by knowing the future.  i'll give up the knowledge that i could have gotten laid sooner and more often with more girls.  i just want to bring one thought back with me and i will go through all the pain just the way it was, except for how i would use this...

help brad always.

Add your memories to this... please.  I hope more comes back to me, because this is a short list right now.  I'm not pulling any punches because I want to remember everything.  Unfortunately the bad things are the ones that are easier to remember.

I remember playing "crab" with Kris and Brad.  One of us would curl up on the floor between the two beds and cover their eyes.  The other two would jump from bed to bed trying not to get caught by the crab.  We all thought later how horrible this must have sounded to Mom and Dad downstairs.

I remember playing "almost crash" on our bikes.  We would be in a driveway, and we would have to ride our bikes around and around and get as close to crashing without touching.

I remember playing "spy dive" at night.  We would wait for cars to come, then we would flop on the ground in the open assuming they didn't see us.

... but this one was a nightmare.  I don't know why I had this or where it came from.  The whole dream was Brad being a combative jerk to me.  In the course of trying to get him to stop and listen to me I used about a thousand different, non-damaging submission moves on him.  I'd try to explain to him that, if he would just stop, the pain would stop.  Then he would be pulling some more crap and I'd have him in some other hold causing him pain.  Not enjoyable.  At one point I had my elbow digging into his eye socket while I explained that, no matter how much it hurt, I was holding back and would he please stop so I could stop.  Nice thoughts.  Sorry, Brad... I really would walk away before subjecting you to all of that.  Then again, I hate the result of not having tried harder in real life.

Brad taught me something last night.  I had this odd pet... I don't know what the hell it was, but it started off small and soft and lively.  Damn thing kept getting out of the little pen I made for it.  I needed to put it somewhere so I could build the right kind of cage for it.  I needed something with smooth sides so that it couldn't climb out, but I couldn't let go of it without fear it would get loose.  I set it in a bucket for the time being, but I realized that what was in the bucket might not be good for it.  I pulled it back out right away, but it was covered in filth, and I thought I needed to wash it quickly.  While trying to wash the fur and not hurt it, it somehow turned into an insect.  Now it was some kind of a beetle or cockroach-looking thing.  Not that I cared for it any less...

    I have an idea that might get us all posting more regularly, and it seems like it would be a fun learning experience.  It is certainly something Brad would have enjoyed.

    I look at the "Daily Confucius" and am often stumped as to what the hell is being said.  I give a mild effort trying to understand, then I forget about it.

    Would anyone else be interested in a forum that takes a Confucius quote and gives everyone a week to comment on what it means and how it might apply to us?  After a week I will post a more educated person's analysis from somewhere on the net.  No cheating and looking up what others might have to say about it before you post.  It isn't a contest.

    Don't humor me if you aren't interested...

    I feel like I have to apologize for posting something more mundane than my feelings and grief.  I have stated many times that I feel this website should eventually turn into a place that Brad might have run… listening to, learning from, and teaching each other.  Containing content that will keep everyone coming back, and may even interest people who never even knew Brad.  Others have expressed this and agreed.  I almost feel like I am “moving on” by posting book reviews and other things on here, but it isn’t the case.  I am mildly concerned with how you all see me because of this.  It has kept me from posting sometimes.  I have wanted to write a long explanation for ages but, when I started writing one several wee

I was a tall, thin kid all the way through high school.  Hardly enough to notice, a nobody for the most part.  I was fairly proud, though.  I remember a friend asking me once, “Why do you walk so tall?”  I replied, “Do you see anybody pick on me?  It is walking tall and confident that keeps me out of trouble.”  I felt tall, too.  I’m sure I remember the doctor measuring me at six feet, so I proudly reported that every chance I got, every time I had to get a new license.  Oh, what a blow to my ego when a doctor’s visit found me to be 5’10”.  Did I shrink?  Was I wrong about how tall I thought I had always been?  It didn’t matter, I was not six feet.  Period.  It didn’t bother me for too long.  I reasoned it out.  I already feel that the majority of women I am attracted to are awfully short.  Of course, that is relative to whatever size I am, whether it is 6’ or 5’10”, and they still seem short.