it's been a while since i've been on here. the thing is, i had a random dream about you last night. it was halloween and someone had told me you had come back - that you had never died. boy, was i excited of the prospect of seeing you again. i wish you were still here. i miss you a lot. 

The film is "Buffalo '66". It's one of my favorites, too. In fact, we watched it together. I remember him telling me how he could relate in some ways to Vincent Gallo's character, Billy.

Here's the trailer: http://www.imdb.com/video/screenplay/vi1102840089/

Also, a review of the film:

http://movies.nytimes.com/movie/review?res=9B07E3DA173AF930A35757C0A96E9...

I've come by this page, from time to time to read the posts, the comments, browse through the pictures, hoping that I would feel Brads presence. But I don't. I never have, and more than likely, never will.

I am feeling very vulnerable right now, but I also feel as though it is best for me to put my self out here for you to read.  Perhaps as you are reading this, you might nod your head or agree silently with what I have to say. Of course, comments are welcomed and much appreciated.

Brad and I had a difficult relationship. He was one of my first serious boyfriends. We only dated for a few months when I was 21 years old, and though that doesn't seem like a long time, a lot went down between us that to this day, makes my heart ache badly. Just thinking about the conversations him and I had brings a huge lump to my throat and a heaviness on my shoulders.

The last time I was with Brad, we went out for breakfast at a ma n' pops restaurant. It was a really cold morning-both of us were bundled up in sweaters, jackets-even Brad was wearing pants(!) Our waiter on the other hand, was quite the contrary...he was sporting these ridiculously short shorts. Every time he would pass us by, Brad would say "He's wearing short shorts!" over and over and over again, making me laugh.

I miss him so.

Last week, I was driving down River de Peres and I looked to my left and saw your apartment building. The lights were on. I immidiately was reassured that you were home. It really creeped me out. I even thought about visiting your house. I wanted to tell you how much I missed you and how sorry I am for the way things ended between us. I figured you'd invite me in, we'd share a few laughs and all would be well.

I was under such a spell.

The shitty thing is; you aren't going to hear this. I have to figure all this out myself. I realised that soon after. But for some reason I have to keep re-reminding myself. It gets so old and tiresome. So, instead I went home and I cried.

I've been listening to a lot of Tom Waits lately. Can't help but think of you. I know how much you liked him.

The Ocean Doesn't Want Me Today

By Tom Waits

When will I realise and accept that you are gone; that you're coming back?

Empty-handed I entered the world

Barefoot I leave it.

My coming, my going --

Two simple happenings

That got entangled.

Yesterday, I sat still and wept over you. There were no words, only tears. The pain I was in was palpable. And the one person I wanted to say it to, you, weren't there.

I wanted things to work out between us. I wanted to you to get your shit together before it was too late. I thought that you would. Because I believed in you. I guess it was a false sense of hope. . .

"Gling-Gló" is a song by Björk that Brad loved. I think the video fits it perfectly.