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All is well....

Submitted by Kris on Tue, 09/16/2008 - 6:26pm

All Is Well

Death is nothing at all,
I have only slipped into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used
Put no difference in your tone,
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was,
Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It it the same as it ever was, there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near,
Just around the corner.
All is well.

By Henry Scott Holland (1847-1918)
Canon of St Paul's Cathedral

all is not well...

Submitted by patrick on Tue, 09/16/2008 - 8:13pm.

Sorry, Kris, but I am in a mood with the elections coming up, and feeling a bit helpless.  All is NOT well, and I can't just let this one slide by for reasons I will explain later.

"Whatever we were to each other, that we are still."  Bummer, but this is true.  Brad and I will never connect like I had hoped for so long.  We will never take all that we had just learned about each other and run with it.  I told him years and years ago that I was jealous of my friend Tom's relationship with his brother, and that I would like to have that relationship with my brother.  This could have happened, but now it won't.  I do feel that this line in the poem is a little wrong, because I sure feel closer to Brad since learning so much about him after the fact, so our relationship is truly different.  It is just a tease, though.  All is not well.

"Speak to me in the easy way which you always used..."  That would be great, if we had talked more.  Now Brad and I can't work towards that easy conversation.  Sure, I could talk to him, but we won't be learning about each other, learning from each other, and getting together and teaching others.  No response as I speak to him.  All is not well.

I find the statement, "Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow" a little odd... it certainly isn't a forced air, this solemnity.  I do understand that some people would feel self conscious talking about a dead brother in a neutral tone (or happy tone).  I enjoyed our family and Brad's friends while we were together... we were able to have some fun.  Remember, "nothing you do during this time is wrong!"  I find that I sometimes put on a forced air of calm so as not to burden others with these tough feelings when the subject comes up.  Completely the opposite of the line from the poem.

"Let [my name] be spoken without effect..."  Come on, Brad's name is going to have an effect on all of us every time we hear it (all is not well).

 "... without the trace of shadow on it."  We are talking about Brad, so there are some dark, shadowy things that will come up when talking about him... you can take that two ways (he is gone/he did some really bad things).

"Life means all that it ever meant."  Um, Brad HAS no life any more.  All is not fucking well.

So, taken with the state of mind Americans seem to be in (mollified and desensitized), this poem is truly soothing.  In trying to step up and see the reality of things, I admit that some things are harder to accept.  This is a good thing for the world, because it is through the (correct) assumption that we are easily pacified which causes us to be taken advantage of.  I have changed.  I am taking Brad's concern and strength and trying to go further with them.  I felt there was a connection to allowing this weak poem to sooth us and the things we don't question in life.  I felt there was a connection between only looking at the "good" in this poem and only looking at the happy things that are happening around us.  Unfortunately or fortunately, I don't have the tact that Brad may have had, and I tend to open my mouth at different times than he may have.  My initials don't stand for "politically correct."  So, I start with an apology, and I end with an apology.

Critical thinking in everything.  Dig deeper.  All is not well.  Sorry.

Patrick Cassidy

go further...

Submitted by patrick on Tue, 09/16/2008 - 11:58pm.

"I am taking Brad's concern and strength and trying to go further with them."

I feel strongly that Brad and I could have been a team.  It does not honor him enough for me to simply step up to what he may have been trying to accomplish.  It honors his memory to become greater than what the sum of our parts would have been... the team could have been so much more.  I get lazy and Brad pushes.  Brad gets lazy and I push.  I miss something and Brad points it out.  Brad misses something and I point it out.  Brad has strengths that complement mine, I have strengths that complement his.

I won't agree with everything that Brad was, but I still want to think about everything with a "what would Brad do?" question.  I am chipping away at the personal changes I think I should make, and I have a long way to go.  I am trying to understand some of the things Brad stood for which I didn't fully agree with.

As I mentioned, I am feeling a bit helpless right now.  The fact that anyone in America can defend not only the nutbag Palin but also the CHOICE of Palin has got me flustered.  Feeling helpless with such an obvious thing crushes my strength and willpower, which is what I need to keep chipping away at the things I think I should change with myself.

Damn, I am trying to justify being such an ass over this poem, but my rambling seems disjointed.  It makes sense to me.

Patrick Cassidy

Small Consolation

Submitted by marianne on Wed, 09/17/2008 - 6:21am.

First, give yourself a break. - Take a breath, pat yourself on the back and notice that you are doing what you gave Brad credit for. - You are learning. And improving yourself.   And making some effort to better the world.

And, some of that growth is because of Brad's actions.    His death is making me a better person too.

On bad days, I think "so what" - even if I'm a better person now, the world lost something at least as good when Brad left.  - It's break-even at best.   How can my small character improvements be worth all the pain and loss to so many people?

So, I take the small consolation that all of us together, trying to understand, and trying to live by the best of Brad, will somehow reach that break-even point.   Or perhaps, there is a God who works in mysterious ways and we'll end up with net good.

And that's all we can do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No apologies

Submitted by Kris (not verified) on Wed, 09/17/2008 - 7:22am.

 

Why do you think you were an ass?  Listen, everything inside me wants to go and delete it now. I feel like an ass. I was on the internet yesterday and I saw the poem and a bunch of others, I read it, thought it was nice and posted it. This whole process took about 5 min. Now I feel like an ass because I did not read it, think about it, hear it, decipher it, anything. As much as I hate to admit when I am wrong, after reading it, I agree with all you have said. I can tell you, I am actually embarrassed now that I posted it. Because had I put effort into reading it, and not just sticking it up there, I would not have put it up there. I am sorry, you should not be. It all makes sense to me. I am glad you typed AND posted. 
  I am a very different person now. I don't know if it is for the better but I am very different. My level of fear is very different now. That could probably get me into trouble, but so what. I am not living in fear on a daily basis. For me that is nice, I am not scared of a lot of things I used to be. I notice it most when I am driving. I will not go into a bunch of detail, but I wish somebody would cross me so I have a reason to, well you know.
I now openly yell at people for littering. I used to just take my own inventory and call it a day. ( I did try to teach my kids though) But much to my dismay, Vinny threw an entire Subway meal's worth of garbage out the car window. I slammed on the brakes, backed up and told him to get out and pick it up. We went back and forth for a few minutes because he thought it was better than throwing it in my car and so on. After me just telling him to get out and get it (I think he was very embarrassed) and failing, I began to tell him how angry Brad would be about that, that Brad really did care, and made a conscious effort to make things better and so on. Well, I would like to end it all and say he got out and got the garbage but he did not. But, I do think that after watching me get out and pick it up, he will not do that again. Or at least I know he will think of me and/or Brad when he does it again. 
 I have this overwhelming fear of something going wrong. My new puppy is going to be sick and die. My old dog is going to be sick and die. My daughter is going to get into a car accident. My other daughter is going to get hurt by some idiot in downtown Chicago, because she is like me and thinks she knows it all. My son is doing well right now, but, what if drugs get him. What if he does not keep his nose clean. Well, I guess my fear has changed in both ways. I am braver and more fearful at the same time. What a shift in my world. OK, well I just figured out some stuff. Basically, when I try to think about who I am now, I can say I am “fucked up” . Everything is different. I have a brick wall up that I cannot knock down. My brain has chosen to take a lot away from me. My ability to bond, feel joy, feel sadness, feel love for anything new, is half what it was. I have this detached cold new self in me and I don’t like it. It does not seem to affect current attachments, but it has every effect on anything new. I don’t know who I am anymore. Where is my place in the world. I really don’t know how to explain thins one, but before, I was Kristin. Kristin has a big sister and two baby brothers. I have a Mom and a Dad and a whole lifetime of memories. I have a place in my family. But now I feel lost.. Lost like, if I woke up, and walked out of my front door, and a bomb blew off half of the planet and moved everything else all around. Everything you knew, and everything that was, and where my house used to be on this planet, is different. I can’t just put my house back on that spot, because it just isn’t the same spot anymore. The whole neighborhood is rearranged and it does not even fit there anymore. Make sense at all? My place in my family, my place in my head full of memories, is changed. I feel like my whole identity is different now and I don’t know who I am or where I am without, Kristin-two baby brothers and a big sister and a Mom and Dad. I am lost. Plus all this new stuff I now know about Brad and knowing more about you and basically everyone, it is all different. All at once. Plus my life is nuts and I have all sorts of insanity normally, so I think I am moving to Tibet. There are a LOT of changes, and they are still coming.
Pat, you need not begin with an apology, and you need not end with an apology. Just please, continue to begin and end. I was wrong to not read what I was posting. But, maybe it was good because it gets us talking, and that is good.

It was good...

Submitted by patrick on Wed, 09/17/2008 - 1:20pm.

If I was less apathetic I would post things without thinking so, so hard about them.  I almost never write a post to any forum directly on the internet... I usually get timed out because I read and re-read and re-write so many times.  When I finally post, I look at it again and usually make changes.  I am the reason things don't get posted here for days or weeks at a time.  Thinking too hard is almost as bad as not thinking enough, and, in the end, I have no excuse for the foolish things I do!  Maybe I shouldn't have admitted this.

But, you know the intent was not to make you feel foolish.  The poem really got me writing.  I hope this website can be a place that others can learn from, either about their own grief or about things that Brad helped us to realize.  You handed me an opportunity, and I tried to make it NOT at your expense, but I couldn't lose the message.

Let Vinny know I would have physically thrown him out of the car if he couldn't understand what he did wrong and make it right.  I would have thrown him out and made a show of putting a seat belt around the trash in the seat where he used to sit.

Patrick Cassidy

What is this site...

Submitted by Heather on Sat, 09/20/2008 - 9:21pm.

Mom -

You do not need to feel like and ass... why did everyone work so hard to put this site together? So that everyone could have an outlet and a place to put things and say things. People are going to respond to there feelings in different ways. This is a site for the individual... what sthe point if we all have to tiptoe around worrying about how what we say makes someone else feel. All you can do is see how what makes you feel one way makes someone else feel another way and sympathize with them for their reactions. Would brad have felt like an ass if he said something that offended someone else... DOUBTFUL. When you first read the poem it made you feel something, something enough to make you post it. After reading how it made someone else feel you changed your interpertation. See the poem in a different light but don't feel like you have to delete it or hate it now just because someone else took it a different way. I'm not trying to be insensitive towards anyone else's feelings, so I do apologize if it comes out that way. Those are not my intentions at all!